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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27097717">one great love (for this bruised heart of mine)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz'>tkreyesevandiaz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Excessive Use of Flowery Language, Fluff without Plot, Introspection, Late at Night, M/M, No Dialogue, No Plot Only Vibes, POV Evan "Buck" Buckley, Pining, Poetic, Pre-Slash, So Much Love and Pining, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, truly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:06:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,882</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27097717</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His bruised heart is safe in the capable hands of his best friend.</p><p>(Or, an open letter from Evan Buckley to Eddie Diaz)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>one great love (for this bruised heart of mine)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello heheh. </p><p>This is not a sequel to <em>infinite</em>, by the way. It's just a little something from a yearning prompt in my head, and I needed to get it out here.</p><p>I hope you enjoy this one! :) &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Far too quiet, Buck thinks as he climbs the stairs of the station. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Four in the morning brings with it another lull in the chaos of their firehouse, the lights dimmed to let the crew get some rest. Silence stretches along the walls, enclosing them in blessed stillness. Intuitively, Buck knows he should be resting too, that he has another five hours before he can go home and sleep in his own bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, something doesn’t feel quite right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s nothing bad; Buck knows that to be true. It’s just another swirl of heavy thoughts, tipping his mind this way and that until he feels like he’s nothing but off-kilter. It drags him under sometimes, the way one thing can catalyze a cascade of warring thoughts, each worse than the last, each competing for another brand of his attention. But while it's not bad, it’s most always never the good kind, either. Buck knows that now — a mood like this can never mean any good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So instead of trying to make his brain settle, Buck gives in to their insistent pull, giving up on the idea of sleep in favour of grabbing something to snack on. He comes to a halt at the top of the stairs, taking in the lone figure spread out on the couch, and realizes why it feels off to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Eddie</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows why Eddie's asleep here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It became apparent, after the miraculous rescue of Hayden, and the terrifying consequence of Eddie being buried underground, that his nightmares came fast and unrelentingly. They found out firsthand how bad the outcome was when they tried to wake him up, because Eddie wouldn’t be in LA with them. In times like those, Eddie’s fighting a war no one knows how to pull him out of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite all the assurances the team give him on a regular basis, Eddie doesn’t sleep in the bunk rooms anymore. He prefers to stretch out on his own upstairs, where no one can see him fall apart if he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When </span>
  </em>
  <span>he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck understands this. He's seen Eddie gasp awake, has heard Eddie trembling, trying to keep quiet as he gulps down glass after glass of water. Buck's gone over to hold Eddie tight the way Eddie does for him, has smoothed sweaty hair away from his hairline while giving constant assurances that everything's alright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most of all, he knows the feeling of vulnerability like a sixth sense, a second skin he wears almost unwillingly. He’s never been able to be anything else. In his mind, everybody is worthy of seeing him exactly as he is — vulnerabilities, strengths, weaknesses and all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It weighs him down sometimes, his arm sinking with the heft of the heart on his sleeve. Buck’s given too much of his heart to too many people, while still trying to hold himself back from jumping into the deep end. Now, he knows there’s a strength to putting himself out there, to keep his heart where everyone could hurt it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Where everyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>has </span>
  </em>
  <span>hurt it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck’s given too much of his heart to too many people, but he’s never regretted giving it to Eddie, to Christopher.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s not like Buck is, doesn’t give pieces of himself away freely, but the fact that he guards his heart with every part of him doesn’t change a thing about how he feels about his loved ones. It doesn't change how fiercely he cares, and Buck knows this because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>how it feels to be loved by Eddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie, who is irrevocably one of the greatest people Buck’s ever met. Eddie, who is </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>; he’s humble, kind, caring and intelligent. He doesn’t get caught up in his ego, doesn’t play the blame game, doesn’t put up with any bullshit whether from himself or from others, tries to re-learn himself when things don't go quite right — all qualities that make Buck love him all the much more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows his best friend doesn’t think so, knows that if Buck were to tell him that, he’d likely brush it off with an awkward laugh, completely unsure of himself, rather than take Buck’s words at face value.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes more than words for Eddie to believe in something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he doesn’t </span>
  <span>say </span>
  <span>it, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t try to prove it. He tries to tell Eddie through his actions instead — quiet declarations in the dark, stepping up when he's overwhelmed, taking the attention off him when he's having a bad day, letting private compliments drop between them until Eddie's ready to believe him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie will notice on his own time, when he’s ready to recognize that Buck has known it all along, and that despite the ugly parts of life that have brought them closer, he’s stayed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of this, Buck is confident.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he walks over to where his best friend is fast asleep, he thinks over the first time he realized he was in love with Eddie. He thinks of the moments that brought the two of them here — starting from “who the hell is that,” all the way to the soft smile Eddie had leveraged his way just before Buck had followed Chim to the bunks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He traces their journey in carefully-chosen memories, some filled with bright grins and overwhelming happiness, others filled with hurt and the feeling of loss. He may regret some of the events that led to the darker memories, but he also knows that without these specific bricks, the road leading up to here would’ve been paved very differently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And whether Eddie says it or not, whether it’s in the same way or not, Buck knows that he’s loved by Eddie Diaz. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sees it in the way Eddie refuses to let Buck bring himself down, the way Eddie stocks his favourite foods at his house, the unabashed way Eddie entrusts him with Christopher. The way Eddie, who has always been a man of few words, jumps at the opportunity to reassure Buck of things he can’t wrap his mind around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They may have come across some roadblocks in the past two and a half years, but since the day he realized what he meant to his best friend, Buck has never once had to doubt Eddie’s affection, has never doubted his place in the Diaz home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles at the faint snores coming from Eddie before noticing the faint tremble under his skin from the chill of the night. He shakes his head but reaches over to pull out a thick blanket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Idiot, Buck thinks fondly, falling asleep knowing that he runs cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck carefully spreads the blanket across Eddie’s body, watching him curl into the warmth without waking up. His face looks innocent like this, soft and unmarred by the creases of tension that always seem to be there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He settles down on his haunches as he observes the soft expression on Eddie’s face. The exertion of the day has loosened the gel from his hair, leaving it in a floppy mess over his forehead. Eddie looks younger like this, Buck thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he really knows what he’s doing, he’s reaching out and brushing a few errant strands off his forehead, moving them away from his eyes. He holds his breath as he does this, fingertips trailing down to brush an eyelash off Eddie’s cheek. </span>
</p><p><span>His skin doesn’t wake beneath Buck’s fingers, remains deep in slumber. If anything, it only gleams brighter under the soft light coming from the single lit lamp. Eddie only shifts closer, an absent smile flitting across his mouth at the light touch. F</span>or a moment, he thinks about what would happen if Eddie were to wake up right now. </p><p>
  <span>Buck marvels at the man in front of him, his mind blissfully silent. None of the wayward thoughts are bothering him now — not when Eddie has all his attention, captured in increments of beauty that Buck steals for himself, locking them away in a private album meant for no one else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shifts to settle down completely, crossing his legs as he lets his hand drop to the edge of the couch. It’s nowhere near Eddie’s skin now, only holding the blanket in place but Buck can feel the glow of his presence like a cozy night, wrapping around him securely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders how Eddie does it. He wonders how, even deep in sleep, Eddie manages to make Buck feel safe and protected, manages to blanket him in a sense of security that he’s had very little of in his lifetime, manages to quiet his mind without even being conscious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a beauty to this, too. Simply sitting in silence, watching over the man he’s in love with as he sleeps, making sure the nightmares stay away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When it comes to Eddie Diaz, Buck doesn’t think he’ll ever stop falling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without doubt, Buck knows that Eddie is his one great love. The one people write novels and poems and literature about, the one people search their entire lives for. The one Buck has been searching for — his place to belong. He’s lucky enough to have found it before the age of thirty; now, he only hopes that he gets to keep it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Buck were to write this feeling, he wouldn’t be able to write it any other way than in the form of his best friend’s name. A measly two words, but the only ones that come close enough to this encompassing feeling that keeps him afloat most days. The one man who cradles his bruised heart in capable hands and keeps it safe from the world, and doesn’t even know he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But despite this confidence in his role in Eddie’s life, there’s an ever-present ache that sits right in the center of his chest, drumming fingers on his bones with impatience. But Buck can’t rush the most important thing in the world to him. He can’t lose Eddie, can’t lose Christopher right along with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pining, Hen would call it. It’s a word she’s said to them before, amidst another bout of ‘married’ jokes after the fifth time all three of them had shown up to a family together. Eddie had snorted, winking at Buck on his way in and Buck had rolled his eyes at her, but as he sits here now, he wonders if that’s what he’s doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s scary, how much of him is made up of two people he hadn’t even known a full three years ago. Buck thinks this is the way of soulmates — he is meant for the Diaz boys, whether or not they are meant for him. This fact seemed to have engraved itself in his skin the minute the two exchanged that very first handshake, moments before destroying municipal property.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck laughs softly to himself as he thinks of it, lifting his head to look at Eddie again. That same ache presses harder against his sternum, but Buck ignores it as he scoots over to sit facing the TV, right where Eddie’s torso is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The phantom movement makes Eddie stir a little, bringing him only closer to Buck as he sighs in his sleep. Buck smiles as the fingers of one hand absently peek out of the blanket to curve around his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he loves, and he aches. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kudos and Comments make my day, so thank you to everyone who leaves them! I love hearing what you guys think, and anyone who takes time out of their day to comment has my heart and soul ♥</p><p>You can find me on Tumblr at <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd">zeethebooknerd</a> or on Twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz">tkreyesevandiaz</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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